Cheating: Getting the most out of the worst
Finding out that your spouse is having an extra-marital affair is definitely a heartbreaking experience for anyone. You can even find yourself in situations which, due to your emotional outburst and anger, you have resorted to some embarrassing acts just to release the pain caused by cheating. There are news of a husband climbing towers to commit suicide after knowing his wife is having an affair, a woman gate-crashing a party to confront another woman which happens to be her best friend, such stories which are almost comical for other people to hear or see but very real and painful to those who is actually experiencing it. It is expected because having an extra marital affair shakes the entire foundation of marriage which is trust and faith. It is very easy to get carried to your emotions under these circumstances, but what will happen next after? Will you be able to carry out yourself gracefully from the humiliating acts you have done to vent out your frustrations and anger? What should anyone do in the face of this kind of marital dilemma?
First is to allow yourself to grieve but keep yourself mentally awake at the same time. You have all the right to be angry whatever the type of relationship you two had in the past. Don’t put yourself in the state of denial because the pain will still sink in sooner or later.
Secondly, again this will take intense humility and self-control to the offended party, is setting-up a conversation. Discussion leads to understanding and understanding leads to options. You can do this with only the two of you talking or if both parties agree, with a neutral third party who can help you see things which both of you may neglect because of the emotional tension both covering the two of you. Set a definite time for these when both parties are calm and sane enough to discuss. After all, your marriage deserves a chance to the informations you will come up from having this kind of talk.
To be able to answer this, you should first consider the other aspects of your life rather than focusing on each other’s personal happiness. You have already invested on a lot of things as you went on your married life - your home, children, relatives, friends, and finances are all a part of these. It was not only about feeling married but having a life together. And you have to consider all of these aspects when you decide whether you want to commit yourself again to the same person you are with when you started your life you are now into.
To be able to answer this question more easily, it will help you if you will consider the other aspects of your marriage other than your own personal happiness. Are you willing to lose your marriage and all things you have invested with it such as your home, your kids, your friends, assets and social life? For others, realizing that there is more to lose than gaining back their is one good thing to consider.
When a couple decide that reconciliation is still possible, there will be a time for adjustment just like when a garterized tie was extended by force, it will take a period of time before it goes to its same appearance again. Take this as a breather for both you. An advantageous breather when both individuals can work on their personal strengths. The offending party can cease on seeing the third party and refocus on the qualities of his spouse why he had loved her on the first place. The offended party on the other hand can start to work on repairing herself again and regain the self-esteem that may have lost during the process. Then do the works together. Take the time out for one another, revisit or remake your rituals as a couple and the like. Intimacy has to be rebuilt from the ground up - in the little, permanent, everyday things within the marriage - a stark contrast to the heady, clandestine, short term feel of an affair.
To sum it all up, having a cheating partner is not necessarily the end of the world for a couple. It is just a matter of right attitude in dealing with it. Instead of bringing down the whole world with you in despair and thru endless wailing, take the most positive things out of this seemingly worst situation. Grasp this opportunity to strengthen your union and you should be able to stand the rest of the storms that are still to come as you journey through life together as a couple.
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