Are You Looking for Love?
With the number of single-person households increasing every year in the UK, and more and more people divorcing for the second or third time, we could be forgiven for wondering whether a lifelong commitment to one partner is becoming rather old-fashioned. If you are single and afraid you may never meet the right person, it may be of little comfort but you are by no means the only one.
Despite the gloomy picture painted by the figures, however, many couples do have happy marriages that last a lifetime. If this is what you want, you can have it too. The key is to approach a relationship in the right way. Just because your previous relationships have ended sadly or badly, it doesn’t mean the next one will. If you learn from the mistakes you’ve made, it won’t happen again.
The first step is to love yourself. It may sound corny but you can’t expect someone to love you unless and until you love yourself. If you are hoping a partner will give you strength and confidence, you are setting yourself up for failure. Your negativity and your neediness may deter potentially good partners, while attracting the sort who will just make it worse. If you present yourself to the world as worthless, the world is likely to believe you.
The other drawback to feeling you “need someone” is that you will put too much pressure on the relationship and on the other person to give you what you need. A healthy relationship is one in which each party is whole in him or herself, not with gaps that the other is meant to fill. If you feel there are gaps in you, you are probably right - but that does NOT mean there is anything wrong with you. It means you have some unresolved issues from your past (as 99.99% of people on earth have) and you will find a happier relationship if you address these issues first, with the help of a counsellor or psychotherapist.
There is no shame in getting some help. In fact, it’s crazy not to, when there is so much invaluable help available to us these days. If you were suffering from some physical ailment, you would go to the doctor. Why, then, do we feel we must ignore or repress our emotional pain? A therapist will give you not only the self-esteem you crave but also insight into how to avoid another destructive relationship.
Once you accept yourself for the lovable, attractive person that you are, organise your life to reflect this. Is there anything you don’t like about your life? If you work, are you happy with your job? If you don’t work, is it because you have chosen not to? Do you enjoy living where you live? Have you got absorbing hobbies and interests that take you out of the house and involve you with other people? If you are putting up with stuff, change it! You deserve a fulfilling, stimulating life and it’s important you make one for yourself and aren’t looking for someone else to provide fun and excitement.
OK, so your life is good and you’re feeling confident. You’re ready for a partner. Now, how do you go about finding one? Well, you could join a dating agency, you could go on a singles holiday, you could ask your friends to do some matchmaking for you There are many things you can do to look for a partner.
The main advantage of a dating agency is that it gives you immediate access to lots of available people in your vicinity. The main disadvantage is that it is artificial and lays too much emphasis on matching likes and dislikes, putting pressure on everyone to be what somebody else is looking for. To a greater or lesser extent, this applies to any method you employ to search for a partner.
Although, of course, it is possible to find lasting love by contrived means, the best way to meet the person who will become your life partner is by chance. Do make sure you are always meeting new people but don’t assess them as potential partners. Concentrate on building your own life; fulfil yourself through your work, your hobbies and your friends; challenge yourself and enjoy your achievements.
Finally, it is a myth that we each have one “soul mate” out there. Actually, there are many different people who could be an excellent partner for you. Whoever it is doesn’t have to be perfect - and neither do you. If you are both committed to the relationship, you can make it work. So, now, stop worrying and start living. The right person will find you more easily if you stop looking.
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